We tend to parent the way we were parented. So if you were physically or verbally abused, you may find yourself acting out this same behavior on your children. In fact, we are destined to repeat to some degree the way we were parented, unless we become very conscious of those patterns, work through our feelings about them, and then choose better ways to parent than through intimidation, withholding love or abandonment.
There are two typical parenting styles: One is the rescuing parent. This involves hovering and rescuing the child from all possible harm, which results in a child that is incompetent and fearful. The other style is the drill sergeant parent. This involves barking out orders like “because I said so!” or “you will, if you know what’s good for you!”. This results in a child that is either compliant or rebellious, but is still incapable of making consciously chosen decisions in life. A better way of parenting involves instilling a set of values, offering choices and allowing natural consequences-not rescuing, not shaming.
I highly recommend 2 books for learning how to raise happy, competent children with considerably less stress than with typical parenting strategies. Both books are by Foster Cline and Jim Fay:
Parenting With Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility ©1990 and
Parenting TEENS With Love and Logic: Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood ©1992.